Hi! I’m Natasha Grosshans. I was born and raised on a little island named Nantucket off the coast of Massachusetts. I attended Nantucket High School up until I moved to California October 10th of my senior year. Best decision of my life. I then attended Santa Rosa High School for my last year where I met the best friends of my life. I met the most incredible people throughout my stay at SRHS. Unfortunately graduation rounded very quick. I then moved next door to the Santa Rosa Junior College where I only got to spend one semester but also met a few incredible people along with attending some truly memorable classes. Those two years in California were some of my favorite memories in my lifetime. I consider myself adventurous and wine country contains the most beautiful drives. The coast has great hikes along with the mountains. To say I enjoyed myself is an understatement. I’ve traveled all around Ireland, to Cabo St. Lucas in Mexico, and to many different states. This past summer I decided to travel back home for this summer with my two very best Californian friends, Sydney and Michaela. We had an awesome summer together laying on the beach and partying the nights away. It was all fun and games until I received unfortunate news.
This past August at 19 years old, I was presented with the news that I had cancer. Not only did I have cancer but I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer, stage IV Duodenal Cancer. For most of you who don't know what the Duodenum is, I know i sure didn't, it's the beginning of your small intestine that connects to the bottom your stomach. Most people who acquire this cancer are male and range from age 60-80. Clearly that is not me. I entered the ER of the Cape Cod Hospital with pains in my left rib and shoulder. After a chest x-ray and cat scan we discovered the enlarged lymph nodes and thickening in my duodenum along with blood clots in my lungs and enlarged nodules in my lungs. I was then admitted to the hospital where I spent a week and endured a endoscopy and bronchoscopy. I was then transferred to Brigham and Women’s Hospital, still no diagnosis, in Boston where I then endured my second bronchoscopy. During this bronchoscopy my right lung was punctured and collapsed 25%. This lead to the oh so wonderful chest tube that was place into my body in a side room without any numbing medication. What a joy. I then spent 3 very hard, heavily medicated days in the ICU. After the chest tube was taken out I was in pretty bad shape. I was 16 pounds lighter and withering away in bed. It wasn’t looking too great. No one thought I was going to push through but luckily after we hooked up the first round of chemotherapy and the nutrition bag I bounced right back. I ended up spending 5 weeks in the Boston hospital where I endured the insertion of a pick and later a port and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. This experience wasn’t all bad. I was fortunate enough to have the most amazing nurses along with the most amazing mother by my side. My mom has been my rock and the reason I have been doing so well. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I also had an immense amount of support coming from all around the country along with the support of an old friend and newly popstar Meghan Trainor who gave me a shout out on the Ellen show and sent me a signed CD! How awesome is that?!
Going home was both interesting and the best time since my diagnosis. I grew stronger and stronger every day since I had just about no choice. I’ve spent a lot of time catching up with friends. And I met one of my biggest inspirations, Caitlin Marcoux, who has not only donated her time to teach me yoga but also continues to help me every single day with her spunk and comparative stories. I’m truly so blessed to have the most amazing people in my life!
Unfortunately I was med flighted back to the hospital for a short visit. I have a large amount of fluid in my left lung along with growth of cancer in both of my lungs which resulted in the switched to a new chemotherapy treatment. During this round of chemo I also had to have a tap done in which they drained 950 ml of fluid from my left lung. Joy.
Having cancer at 20 is definitely not what I had in mind for myself. Who would have guessed that I would acquire a very rare cancer at such a young age. I sure didn’t. The thing about being young is you feel invincible until life proves you wrong. I’ve definitely faced my fair share of hurdles in my days but this one is definitely the hardest I’ve come by. I think the scariest part is the unknown. I have no idea how many chemotherapy treatments I’ll have to have. Whether I’ll have them for the rest of my life or if I’ll actually be able to kick this cancer’s bum. Or not knowing my life expectancy. I could live months, years or even a full life. I think my biggest fear is not getting a chance to live a full life. I’ve always pictured myself traveling around the world, establishing a career, buying a house and having kids whether they are kids of my own or kids that I adopt. I’ve always pictured myself growing old with the love of my life and my best friends. Outliving the lives of my parents as it should be. But now I have to consider the possibility of only having a few months to a few years left and it terrifies me. I’ve always been told that I was meant to do something special. To help people in a unique way. I’ve always been told that I was special. That I was wise beyond my years and all the hurdles I’ve overcome were meant to shape me into the person I’m supposed to be and prepare me for my duty in life and now I’m terrified that I won’t get the chance to do so. That I’m, in fact, not special. That even though I’ve gone through all I’ve gone through, I won’t be able to live out my life to the fullest. I’m absolutely terrified of death. I’m terrified to leave my friends and family behind in pain. Especially my mom. She shouldn’t ever have to watch me die. It should be the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than grateful and appreciative of the life I've been given. I’m just not ready to give it up yet. I hope to stick around and bother you all reading this for a long while.
Having cancer at 20 has been anything but a cake walk. But in the end it’s made me the strongest person I’ve ever been. It’s given me a whole new perspective in life and has stopped me from taking things for granted. Yes it has definitely made me a much cheesier person. I’ve definitely become a fan of life quotes. Gag! LOL. But it has also introduced me to the most amazing people and has brought me even closer to very important people in my life. I now have no shame. I’ve been through and seen it all, as have my doctors and nurses. Oops. And even if my biggest fear comes true and I don’t get to live a full life, at least the life I’ve lived so far had been a blessing. I’m grateful for each and every day I’ve encountered on this beautiful Earth and I'll always look back and smile because this is my life and I decided to live it.
Xoxo
